The Key to Change is to Let Go of Fear

Hope when you take that jump, you don’t fear the fall
Hope when the water rises, you built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out, they’re screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay.

One Republic is one of my favorite bands. They’re my go-to jams for any mood- whether I feel like cleaning, studying, working, or just plain zoning out while driving. Driving. Listening to music while driving used to be such a good coping strategy for me because it allowed me to physically escape while retaining control over something, that something being the car in my hands. It also allowed me to appreciate the scenery around me as I drove, letting my troubles disappear- but this might have been due to the natural propensity I have to “get lost” while driving because there never was anything significantly breathtaking for me to observe in suburban Chicago. I guess it was just a good thing that I could appreciate the sunlight hitting the trees that line lengthy residential roads. I haven’t driven for comfort in a long time, but more recently I had started associating driving with fear, disappointment, and insecurity.

When we first got married, my husband got himself a used manual Mazda 3 and I took over his Corolla. We had many unrealistic ideas, hopes and dreams at that time (for proof I have a spreadsheet of a 5-year plan we had made), and one of those was the idea that I would also be able to drive his car at some point in the future because the Corolla was aging. As time passed and after a few newly-wed tiffs we quickly and quietly, without mention, tabled some of those goals we had made for ourselves. However, Pathik was persistent with teaching me how to drive his manual. I was more than happy not having anything to do with his car. Driving it was never something I had wanted for myself, because in all honesty I was perfectly content being a lazy, thought-less drone-like driver. In fact, creating more “work” for myself during my time to be on automatic mode both mentally and mechanically just seemed silly.  It was only when I realized that I was afraid of it did I ever want to overcome that fear. Continue reading